Waiting for an occasion to do so: why today?

Perhaps because I will have more things to type today. 

Perhaps... today was a bit negative. But I guess I do count my blessings... didn't I?

Revived this blog with this post. But at the same time deleted all the past post except one. 

Other than the past post being a bit childish (I guess when I do grow up and look back, and the past things I've written makes me have goosebumps.), I hope doing that doesn't mean anything to me in terms of really trying to delete my past from myself, an attempt to try and tell myself that I just start anew here at this moment. Trying to be self-smart, thinking too much, complicates things. 

Sometimes I really find it hard to be able to talk to someone...

Or in a sense, finding someone that I can talk to. There are so much complications.

One is trust, in that person to be tight-lipped enough. (in a sense)

Second is sometimes I trust in someone, but sometimes I don't think I should try and initiate conversations. Because it might not be good for both parties, or even a third one. 

I don't wish to put myself in a situation that cause me to be able hurt people.

Third, some, they won't understand, because sometimes they don't even bother to really listen.

Some, you really don't want them to worry.

So, I take it upon myself, to solve my own problems, listen to my own emotions. 

People fall and stand up again. 

I can.

But I am allowed to cry too I suppose?

Because it's painful.

There's one thing I don't understand about myself. 

Perhaps it's ego?

When I work hard for my results, have self motivation and expectations, like really in studies.

And people come to show me concern, I actually start to feel like crying.

Is it really that I feel self pity I have to do this, to tire myself?

Or is it that I sub-consciously have been trying to live up to imaginary expectations I hope someone would give me? To gain acceptance? To gain attention? To feel loved? 

I really didn't realize or even recognize that I've been put under fear and stress to gain acceptance when i was young, until recently, when He tried to reveal to me why I had fear in Him. Which really broke me down because I thought it was over and it's really fine now, that I am really fine now.. But no.. I am not.

But I know with me being hurt, it's because I hurt you first. 

I am sorry, but I hope you know I really didn't mean for it to be like this. 

Deep in my heart I still desire acceptance. I want to be loved. I want to be understood.

Today, it was tested too.

All these while I had to do a lot of convincing, more than I have ever done in my life, within these three years? From National Junior College, because my mum didn't want me to be so stressed. Social Work is a long battle with my parents, I know. But I really hope they can see it. See my heart and see why I want to do this. It's not about the low pay and hard work to me. All these doesn't matter... I know I may not seem to be practical to you guys, I know you all have more experience than me to tell me, I know it's for my own good. 

In fact, I know you all are right. You are right. 

But I really want to do this. 

I need a bit more space in the little little things in life, saying this but still with respect. I recognize and thank that you were the people that took care of me, groomed me, made me grow up without worrying on whether I will be fed or will I have a place to sleep tonight. I am loved. But perhaps I am very selfish. I want to be loved my way. Feeling ridiculous as I type this out. "Feel loved, my way?"

Today's Scholarship interview didn't go as well as thought, perhaps this leader thing is not what He wants me to be in. Perhaps He wants me to not lose sightings of the ground. Or is it that He wants me to keep trying to see how much I want this?  

But I know He has a plan, a plan to prosper and not to harm me. I trust in Him, but was just more than a little disappointed. Somehow I think it's on not being able to lighten my parents' burden on our School fees. And being too over confident such that I think I can get this Scholarship for sure, like really that easily. 

At home, you asked me how was the interview, I told you. You said I want to serve more at the grounds but they are looking for leaders. I thought you understood and was happy for awhile. But it turns out to be a misunderstanding? That you are still trying to discourage me from taking it. I held my tears, till the downpour came.

All these are what I feel now, it always changes. 

And it's the myopic view from the inside of me, my own perspective. 

Only what I saw heard and felt, all me alone, and not what's really the truth, I mean except the teachings of the bible and His words.

This is what You want me to know now, and I will take heed.